maybe a month off at christmas is too long.  i really enjoyed it and feel refreshed and ready to go back.  but maybe my recent emotional struggles stem from boredom?  possibly ~ i did wake up this morning and the first thing that ran through my mind was, “i wonder if i still have that book called a purpose driven life?”  huh?  i hardly think i need any more purposes in my life.  i thought i was working on getting rid of some.

since i have been impossible to live with and cranky beyond measure, i thought i’d better stick with a safe subject for the rest of this month ~ THE HAPPINESS PROJECT.  good plan.

this week, as i get back to the daily grind, my goal is to incorporate exercise into every day of the week.  i’ve made some great progress on our eating habits, and i think those will stick, mainly because everything was so delicious and easy to make.  i wouldn’t mind adding a 21-day green smoothie challenge.  we’ll see.

but number 1 ~ first and foremost ~ get that butt movin’.  i really loved running, and the people i know who run, run in any weather.  when i drive by people who are running and it’s sleeting sideways and the roads are slick and there are piles of snow shoveled into mountains next to the sidewalks, i have always, and will always groan aloud “STOOOPID.”  it would only make sense that i would end up being on of those people at which i scoffed.  so i am looking out my window on a cold, misty january morning, wondering if i’m supposed to get out there.

the treadmill on the 9th floor is very nice, too, though.  and there’s cable!!!  i have a hard time with sticking to exercises that aren’t dramatic and exciting.  i need to feel an accomplishment.  but wouldn’t it be an accomplishment for me to just stay on a treadmill for 45 minutes?  isn’t that next to impossible?

but the big answer is a class.  i need a class.  i need something that forces me to keep my heart rate up, that forces me to stay engaged in the activity for exactly one hour, that pushes me.  but wow ~ the doubts that are racing through my mind are ridiculous.  they’re saying ~ “you are never going to lose any weight.  you’re never going to have the body you want.  you wish you were one of those women who figured out exercising later in life and said i’m almost forty and i’ve never looked better, but who are you foolin’?  plus, how do you know all of this exercise will even work?  not everyone sees a difference when they work out.”

i won’t depress you with more of those paralyzing statements.  sick.  and weird, because i have never had doubtful thoughts about anything else in my life.  i guess there was a long stretch of time when i wondered if i was ever going to marry a nice guy.  but that was basically out of my control and i just had to trust.  this?  i have to do this myself.  maybe it’s because i have never succeeded.  not yet.

the hub and i met two of our best friends for dinner last night, and over christmas, they both had bought these cool bracelets that vibrate every 90 minutes, reminding you to slow down and take a moment to breath/meditate/pray/whatever.  how brilliant.  i feel like i need that bracelet to do all of those things, and also, to remind me that i have a goal, and i have to stay focused on the goal.  i have the hardest time staying focused.

i am just now realizing that this is the main reason i started writing a blog.  it’s a daily reminder to focus on the things that matter, and hopefully, unscramble all the other junk.