goals for today:
1. clean the house until it sparkles.
2. make something yummy with the gorgeous beefsteak tomatoes i bought yesterday at the farmers market. (didn’t i buy something else? all i remember are the tomatoes. they’re the size of a grapefruit!!!)
3. if there’s time after all that, practice. i’ll start the gym tomorrow…
i feel lost. i’ve come back to my favorite place in the world ~ kansas city, our fantastic loft, our great life. but i’m lost. i know it’s par for the course when you travel. it messes with your insides and your outsides. the question, “what am i doing with my life” begs to be answered. what do you mean what am i doing with my life? i’m living my life! i’m loving my life. i’m a singer and a teacher. i’m a wife and a cook and a cleaner and a laundry doer. i’m a clothes lover and movie watcher. is there something else i should be doing with my life?
driving to my job on thursday and friday felt like nothing had changed. like i needed to suppress the excitement in my gut about teaching and inspiration i’ve gained over the last two weeks in cortona. wasn’t that the whole reason why we went? so we’d come back fortified? better people, more on fire for teaching, eating right and making good, balanced decisions?
but being back here feels like all of those decisions don’t fit our lives. like the passion i feel about teaching is too much for my students (NOT TRUE!!!). my passion i felt for my kitchen while we were gone, was doused the second we got here. i don’t want to clean it or be in it, for some reason. i don’t know what to cook. i don’t want to spend any money on groceries. i’m stuck!
yesterday, we met our awesome friends, frank & lindsey (i call her peaches ~ i can’t help it! she is total peaches and cream. you should see her), and alan & catherine. we met them for mexican and it was so much fun. our favorite place ~ margarita’s. it’s a little dive that serves very strong margs (too strong if you ask me) and really great salsa. i ate more than usual, granted. i had missed mexican food terribly. but hours after the feast, i thought i was dying. i woke up this morning, still feeling like there are little animals running around in my stomach. when i was in italy, not one stomach ache. not one. the food i love here is just too rich. too fattening, too much sugar. this is a problem because the hub LOVES mexican. hope he doesn’t leave me for a sturdier digestive system!
anyway, i just don’t know how to unite the italy sarah with the kansas city sarah. that’s the HAPPINESS PROJECT goal for july and august. (there wasn’t one for june ~ you don’t need a happiness project when you are eating ravioli every night, made by an italian grandmother whom you can hear yelling at her restaurant-owner son from the kitchen. now that’s fresh pasta.)
i must not give up. if i can marry the two worlds together somehow, i can make something really great here.