last night, i wrote a silly blog that was meant to be entertaining, stating ways i can have more peace.  i included chick flicks and drinks as part of my plan of attack.  but i don’t want anyone to think that i am not a more profound person than that.  i know how to find peace.

i’m sure it’s different for everyone.  some people probably hear God loudest when they are in the middle of nature, looking up at the stars through sky-high trees, and hearing crickets chirping.  although that setting is glorious to me, i think i would be worrying about the close proximity of the crickets, rather than thinking about God.

and some people probably hear God in music.  alas, that doesn’t happen quite as often if you are a professional musician.  and especially if you have perfect pitch.

the way i hear God and find peace is simple, but can be difficult to execute.  it’s complete silence.  sitting with my eyes closed, clearing my mind completely, and waiting for something better than me to swoop in and take over.

i have such rage lately.  i’m not okay with anything if it knocks me off-balance.  and boy am i out of balance.  my emotions are at an all-time high, and low, and often at the same time.  i’m fighting for a career that won’t make me crazy.  and fat.  and miserable.

what i’m trying to say is:  this means war.  the war of taking your life, schedule, health and happiness in your own hands and not letting anyone steal your peace.

DO YOU HEAR THAT, DIRECTORS????

there are about 50 of them in my life and they have been RUNNING my life.  “i need this asap”, “can you change your schedule around?”  do this, do that, be perfect, sing like an angel.  my favorite one is, “gurrrl, you’ve got to start saying NO.”  but they don’t mean saying no to them!

i didn’t mean to go off like that.  i clearly have some issues with my career.  but i think anyone would have issues after spending the better part of my life on this musician train.  more like roller coaster.

anyway, i’m not going to run from these feelings.  i’m going to address them and find out some answers.  tweaking my personality just a bit is the first step.  and i think getting mad is just the natural reaction to finally deciding i’ve had enough.

now i have to calm down and find peace while i’m standing up for myself.

i woke up this morning and, although i didn’t go to the gym, i did get on a yoga mat and i closed my eyes and found a few moments of mind-clearing silence.  i’ll do a few more minutes tomorrow.  i might even add a prayerful thought or two.

baby steps.