i have been struggling with some pretty strong emotions lately.  i think i’ve made that clear ~ if anything, i’ve focused way too much on it these past few months.  the HAPPINESS PROJECT is still in tact, and even though happiness has not been a word in my vocabulary lately, i do think the work i am doing to “clean house” will bring happiness in the near and distant future.

i’m feeling it today.  i have worked very hard to begin a new part of my personality ~ the “no, thanks” personality.  i’m saying no to things, and yes to taking a few risks.

these risks are hilarious ~ too funny to even tell you.  okay, i’ll tell you.  but don’t laugh too loudly, okay?  this is my fear we’re talking about.

1.  the risk of going to the gym.  here’s how my brain thinks:  if i go to the gym, i might only go a few times this week, and i said i would go four times a week, and how am i ever going to lose weight and firm up if i only go a few times a week?  so i won’t go at all.  it’s too great of a risk to go ~ what if i don’t continue?

WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I TALKING ABOUT.  going a few times a week is PERFECT!  it’s better than not going at all.  what is wrong with me!!!!

2. the risk of relaxing and not stressing out about stuff that i really actually don’t care about, so i stress out about it so that i will motivate myself to get through it.  

DOES THAT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE?  anyone need a translation?  i’ll give an example.  i say yes to a gig and find out that the music is terrible.  or the director is incompetent.  so i don’t put any time into it.  which is the right thing to do, and i can actually get away with it because i can sightread anything.  (well, almost anything)

and then, i feel stressed out and guilty that i didn’t put any time into the music and i freak out because i want to do 100% on everything.  but i end up giving 150% of my sanity and my heart.  i come home and waste precious time with the hub by complaining and whining about the gig ad nauseum.

is anyone picking up what i’m laying down?

3. the risk of falling in love with everything i do.

i hung out with my mom and sister yesterday.  it was so much fun.  we were trying on clothes in an ann taylor loft and i said something about not being a teacher.  my sister said, “you better face it.  you’re a teacher.”  the day before yesterday, i taught for about 5 hours.  it was such a long day of teaching and my throat and head hurt like crazy afterwards.  but i really enjoyed myself.  it’s going to be easier to love teaching if i keep the numbers down this year.  i’ve worked hard on my schedule to make that very thing happen, so now all i have to do is fall.  let myself fall in love with my job.

4. taking some other risks that i’ve been dying to take for a long time.

these are more understandable risks.  these are career risks.  enterprising, sticking-your-neck-out-there risks.  even if i just work on these things a little bit at a time, i am acknowledging that they exist and working towards my goals.  that’s awesome.

but this morning, i am taking another important risk.

5. the risk of “dolce far niente” ~ the sweetness of doing nothing.

i woke up this morning with no alarm, am drinking coffee and looking at cookbooks and trying NOT to be productive all morning.  i just want to relax, blog a little, and enjoy the fact that i only teach 2 hours today.  just watching a little morning tv and goofing off.  i should do this one day a week.  it feels so good.

that’s all for now.  hope i’ve made sense in these ramblings today!

2 thoughts on “wednesday.

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