already thursday?  this week is flying by.  it’s been such a great week.  i’m getting into the swing of life after italy ~ finally.  it wouldn’t have taken so long if i hadn’t come back with almost-impossible designs on my life.  every time i’ve lived in kansas city (twice now ~ the first time was grad school) i have realized what this city can do to you.  it’s just big enough that you drive your fool head off, and big enough that the opportunities for a free-lance musician are endless.  but it’s also small.  it’s small enough that you feel like you have to say “yes” to everything, and you definitely worry about burning bridges.  i don’t really have that problem, usually, but if i start trying to take my life back, and say “no” when i think i should, it could ruffle some feathers.

i don’t make it a habit to live in fear, so i’m just going to keep doing what i think is right.

it’s almost 10:30.  i only have a few minutes left until i have to get ready and go teach.  somehow i always manage to goof off until around 10:30, and then i dread going to teach because i haven’t gotten a thing done.  not a great time manager, am i?

also, i have this huge desire to blog every single day.  sometimes twice a day.  but i have nothing to say.  isn’t that weird?  i have thoughtful moments throughout each day, but when i sit down at the computer, all i can think to talk about is the to do lists, the “i shoulds,” the recipes, etc.

i’m happy.  that’s all.  sono contento.  i love feeling clean and free.  released from “i wish”.  i don’t want anything in my life to be different.  my career had a muzzle on me last year, but i already feel so much more in control of it, after a few changes.  i was extremely annoyed by the shape my body is in, but i have a plan and i feel good about it.  (someone please remind of that when i have to sing carmina burana on stage with the kc ballet!!!)

all in all, you work hard to make sense of your life.  you make sure no stone is left unturned.  you think through everything and let every emotion, good or bad, be what it is, without stifling it.  the goal:  to be your most authentic self.  to know who you are.  to feel good in your skin and to try to accept that skin for what it is.

the fact that it took me almost 40 years?  i’d say that’s just about right.  every woman over 40 raves about their 40’s.  and that’s why.  i have a little “countdown to 40” i’ve kept in mind for the last 10 years or so.  i hold that number up on a pedestal, which is probably a bad idea.  but i don’t care.  i just think i will come into my own at 40.  i’m already feeling it.  i’m working to be the most fit of my life at 40 as well.

if you laughed when you read that sentence, keep that disbelieving attitude to yourself!  it’s destructive!


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