it’s tuesday morning, and i feel like i have been through a war.  a spiritual, take my life back, no regrets ~ battle.  it’s one thing to decide to put your foot down and change some of the things you don’t approve of in your life.  it’s another thing to sit in your decision and be confident every minute of the day, no matter what the reaction is from others.

if i had a lot of people in my life who i didn’t care about, this wouldn’t be as hard.  but i love my co-workers.  i love my friends (of course).  i love my family and i want them to be proud of my decisions.  i care about how they view me.  i want them to respect me and i want them to be happy about my life.  but most importantly, i want my decisions to not bring heartache and frustration to them, especially if i’m going to moan and groan about those decisions to them!

i have a director in my life at the moment, who is the sweetest, most wonderful person in the music biz.  she believes in me 100% and i do not want to let her down.  i thought i had last night, when i put my foot down over certain things that weren’t jiving at all with my insides.  i cried and worried and paced over my decision to cut back on my involvement of this program i’m a part of, which had to be made or i was going to go postal.  nobody’s fault ~ if anyone is to blame, it’s definitely me.  but it’s just the way things went down.  anyway, i heard from her today and she was so supportive.  i am so relieved and thankful to these people in my life, who are letting me change direction and take control of my life!

here’s my reflection on all of it:

in life, in every experience, there is a patchwork quilt of different emotions, different perspectives, different needs.  a colleague takes over a class and you are reduced to accompanying the class, merely because you’re the only one who can play the piano.  you feel used and exhausted because you have to work extra hard at sight-reading all day.  the colleague has no idea that this feels like a demotion to you.  the colleague has another perspective ~ he’s just passionate about the material and has been waiting all year to wax poetic on this subject.  but it makes you feel like low man on the totem pole.

in the end, it’s no one’s fault.  but so many times, words get spoken in the heat of the moment, and feelings get hurt.

thank goodness that didn’t happen.  i am very happy that i have this insight before and during a situation, and not after!  i would hate to be mad at someone and put the blame on a person who is blameless and helpless to change the situation.  it is best to keep a cool head and not point any fingers until you know for sure the perspective of every party involved.  i care so much about the feelings of others.  maybe i shouldn’t, but i’m not sure i can change that about myself.  i wouldn’t want to.

on to more light-hearted items of biz:

my friend toni grew her first sunflower and it is GORGEOUS!  just had to share this picture, toni.  made me so happy!

in other news ~ this weekend, i made the pioneer woman’s spicy pulled pork, and her cheesy grits.  i added corn to the grits.  yumm yumm yum yummmmmm….

and then i made my mom’s apple breakfast danish, which is to die for.  i used peaches instead, and made them into individual tarts.  they were beautiful and delicious.  i’m going to do the exact same thing over and over this fall, and add different fillings ~ cherry, blueberry, CREAM CHEESE!!!!!!  i’m going to try it all.

so. much. fun.