this is truly a time of intense vulnerability and confusion for me.  those words don’t sound like something positive is happening, or about to happen!  but it is!  there is so much ruminating in my head ~ i don’t even know where to start.

my current brain whirrings, mixed with the crazy schedule, has kept me from blogging.  but i feel like i need to unscramble a bit, or i’m going to derail!  i think maybe i’ve already derailed.  but that’s just between you and me.

so, first of all, i’m in the middle of a huge production.  carmina burana with the kc ballet.  it’s going really well.  i mostly just want to be done, so i can breathe and think again, like a normal person.  it’s a wonderful show, and i usually feel great about my work.  but last night, i missed an entrance.  i thought it was 8 beats before i came in, not four.  i feel so bad about it.  i fixed it and nothing fell apart and probably most of the audience didn’t really get it.  the audience was so incredibly excited during the whole performance.  clapping, yelling, instant standing ovation.  you name it.  maybe they were drunk?  who knows.  but i wanted to do really well for such an enthusiastic group.  and i don’t want to let anyone down, like the orchestra, the dancers, etc.

anyway, i have to get over it.  it was one tiny little spot on a beautiful performance.  to be honest, i’m not the star of this show.  it doesn’t matter.  it’s about the dancers, and they are so special.  who cares if i miss two notes?

today’s performance will help me swallow the knot that is stuck in my throat.  all will be fine by 4:30 today.  and then i can come home and work on all the other stuff i need to work on.

and there’s more going on than these performances.  there’s so much stress and i need to keep my head in the game until i can proudly say i’ve made it through.

more than any other time in my life, i need to be focused, calm, and thinking clearly.  i need quiet time and no silliness.  but i’m so overwhelmed that I CAN’T EVEN FINISH THIS SENTENCE!!!!