anybody out there going through menopause? i think i might be. or peri-, pari-? i don’t even want to know the appropriate name for it, let alone go through it. but maybe i’ll be more settled when it’s over. for now, i just have to figure out how to deal with these changes of heart. or better yet, the lack of any emotions at all.
i’m so annoyed with singing. i hate my voice, i hate music, i hate practicing. i’m just over it in every way. but i still have to put out. somehow. pardon the expression, but there’s no better way to say it. i still have to put out. oh, and by the way, i have to be brilliant at it. god forbid.
i’m so annoyed with my lack of consistency. my health is the single most important thing to me. i am eating so healthy ~ even when i indulge, i make smart decisions. blech. i take about a million supplements every morning. omega 3’s, probiotics, you name it. but there’s one thing i cannot be consistent with, and it would change everything. why can’t i keep a consistent workout? i feel like i’m NEVER going to get it right. i put on my workout clothes this morning, walked into my living room, and walked right back into my bedroom, changed clothes for work, and walked out the door. i didn’t bathe, i didn’t do anything but brush my teeth. i just had to get outa there. so now i’m at a cafe, wondering if there will ever be a solution.
i love working out. i love running, love yoga, i even love workout clothes. i have a great playlist for the gym. my gym has great magazines that i can enjoy while on the mill. running and reading at the same time is hard, but i’ve conquered it.
honestly, i just feel too depressed to do anything right for myself. i’m afraid if i do something right, i’ll feel great, and then i’ll stop doing that great thing and i’ll be so mad at myself for stopping. i can time it to the day: i work out brilliantly for exactly two weeks. and then a gig happens, or a trip, or i get sick. and i stop. when i start up again, it could be weeks, but even if it’s just a week, i am SO MAD at myself. i have never seen results at the gym. ever. because you cannot ever see results if you don’t continue for at least 6 or 8 weeks. and i have never done that.
before i went to the doctor, i was doing this awesome routine that i loved. and i want to say i did that routine for more than two weeks. but probably not. and then the doc told me i should be running 4 or 5 miles a day, and that should only take me about 35 minutes. i hate doctors.
i opened an eliminate stress/meditation/yoga magazine last night, and every article made me angry. i threw it on the floor and turned out the light. i don’t want to sit in the lotus position and have a stupid smile on my face for 10 minutes.
i don’t like any of my old devotional books. i don’t want to read something that is inspiring to me, only to get a little shot of it temporarily. i’ve been getting testosterone shots for the last few months and the last time i went, the doc said, “are you feeling that huge surge of energy from these shots?” i said, “no.” he said, “really? strange. well, tell the nurse to double the dose next time.” i wanted to say, “can i get my money back for the last two shots that didn’t do a thing for me?”
three more minutes, and i have to leave this cafe and go to work, where everyone will need something from me. it will be hard to even smile at them.