thursday.

anybody out there going through menopause?  i think i might be.  or peri-, pari-?  i don’t even want to know the appropriate name for it, let alone go through it.  but maybe i’ll be more settled when it’s over.  for now, i just have to figure out how to deal with these changes of heart.  or better yet, the lack of any emotions at all.

i’m so annoyed with singing.  i hate my voice, i hate music, i hate practicing.  i’m just over it in every way.  but i still have to put out.  somehow.  pardon the expression, but there’s no better way to say it.  i still have to put out.  oh, and by the way, i have to be brilliant at it.  god forbid.

i’m so annoyed with my lack of consistency.  my health is the single most important thing to me.  i am eating so healthy ~ even when i indulge, i make smart decisions.  blech.  i take about a million supplements every morning.  omega 3’s, probiotics, you name it.  but there’s one thing i cannot be consistent with, and it would change everything.  why can’t i keep a consistent workout?  i feel like i’m NEVER going to get it right.  i put on my workout clothes this morning, walked into my living room, and walked right back into my bedroom, changed clothes for work, and walked out the door.  i didn’t bathe, i didn’t do anything but brush my teeth.  i just had to get outa there.  so now i’m at a cafe, wondering if there will ever be a solution.

i love working out.  i love running, love yoga, i even love workout clothes.  i have a great playlist for the gym.  my gym has great magazines that i can enjoy while on the mill.  running and reading at the same time is hard, but i’ve conquered it.

honestly, i just feel too depressed to do anything right for myself.  i’m afraid if i do something right, i’ll feel great, and then i’ll stop doing that great thing and i’ll be so mad at myself for stopping.  i can time it to the day:  i work out brilliantly for exactly two weeks.  and then a gig happens, or a trip, or i get sick.  and i stop.  when i start up again, it could be weeks, but even if it’s just a week, i am SO MAD at myself.  i have never seen results at the gym.  ever.  because you cannot ever see results if you don’t continue for at least 6 or 8 weeks.  and i have never done that.

before i went to the doctor, i was doing this awesome routine that i loved.  and i want to say i did that routine for more than two weeks.  but probably not.  and then the doc told me i should be running 4 or 5 miles a day, and that should only take me about 35 minutes.  i hate doctors.

i opened an eliminate stress/meditation/yoga magazine last night, and every article made me angry.  i threw it on the floor and turned out the light.  i don’t want to sit in the lotus position and have a stupid smile on my face for 10 minutes.

i don’t like any of my old devotional books.  i don’t want to read something that is inspiring to me, only to get a little shot of it temporarily.  i’ve been getting testosterone shots for the last few months and the last time i went, the doc said, “are you feeling that huge surge of energy from these shots?”  i said, “no.” he said, “really?  strange.  well, tell the nurse to double the dose next time.”  i wanted to say, “can i get my money back for the last two shots that didn’t do a thing for me?”

three more minutes, and i have to leave this cafe and go to work, where everyone will need something from me.  it will be hard to even smile at them.

 

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6 responses to “thursday.

  1. Sarah,
    I know what you are talking about, including the ‘menopausal’ feelings. That said, I would love to offer my assistance in the exercise realm. I will happily write up a bunch of different, quick, and effective sessions that you can do at home.
    On another note: I would love to get together and talk soon. It sounds like you and I are on simialr paths right now, and perhaps some ‘us’ time would help shed some new light on things. If nothing else, we can become accountable to each other!
    Big hugs from the Ol’ South,
    D

  2. Sarah,
    I want you to know I’m thinking of you and praying for you. I don’t know what to say – things get bleak and somehow we seem to need to be there and not to help ourselves out of it. I know that place. It’s awful, but it’s a passageway and not a room where we have to live long term. You will not get to 4 miles in 35 minutes without taking a 10-minute walk today. That is where it begins and that is what you need. That doctor’s an a-hole. Oh, wait, that sentence was redundant.
    I love you. Big hug.

  3. Girrrrl. You are so hard on yourself.

    The girls’ gifted teacher schooled me about their perfectionism…

    Those that love you don’t mind if you have a smile or not, and we can always tell if it’s genuine. Anyone that doesn’t love you doesn’t matter.

    I made a shiitake mushroom – tomato bisque tonight. Secret ingredients: veggie broth and miso paste. Hand-held blender. You’d have been proud.

    I’m glad Friday was a better day. I spent it w my grandpa, who used to take us to summer orchestra. Remember the mornings in his downstairs? He’s near the end.

    Lately, I’ve felt almost a sense of urgency to fulfill my potential. I’ve realized thst I actually have dreams, and that I have to get my ass in gear if I want to accomplish what I have in mind. For the past decade, I’ve enjoyed pretending I have no dreams. Maybe bc it was easier that way? I’m not sure. But I’m wide awake at the wheel now, and I’m dreaming.

    Maybe learning the guitar opened the door. Or maybe learning the guitar was a sign that I’d opened a new door. To a number of personal and professional aspirations. Finally, I have hope.

    In my eyes, you’ve lived many of your dreams. I wonder if you have more that you need to live and accomplish, or if it’s your time to fall asleep at the wheel, which is ok, too.

    Just my rambling and thinking and living and creating and sleeping and eating. You’d be just the same to me if you never sang a other note.

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