last night, i had a meltdown. a “why isn’t this running, no wheat, no sugar thing working!!!!!” meltdown. i am working my butt off, literally, to lose just 5 pounds. i want to lose more than that, but 5 pounds would lighten my heart, release my worry, and make me feel like i’m doing all the right things for future success.
and of course, the meltdown brought NO answers. the meltdown made me feel tired, depressed, hopeless and miserable.
that’s what meltdowns do.
they make you melt. down.
there’s nothing good that comes from a meltdown, except maybe clarity. which i didn’t receive.
anywho ~ this morning, i put on my running clothes and headed out the door, determined to ~ 1. run a little longer today, 2. run at loose park, because that little piece of heaven in the middle of the city always makes me feel better, and 3. try to let go of the negative feelings i have about my lack of weight loss.
the truth is: i don’t know why my body won’t let go of just a few pounds. i may never know, and i may never lose anymore weight, no matter how much i eliminate from my diet. i have to come to grips with that, somehow.
i guess the real issue is: i’m not very good at failing. but i just might fail at this. and it’s a horrifying thought to me.
and i know i’m succeeding at many other things ~ i’m exercising daily!!! that’s a huge accomplishment and life-changer for me! i’m feeling very strong. i have more energy than i’ve ever had. the running is beating my depression with a stick! it’s amazing! i’m eating cleaner and healthier than ever. i’m in control of a lot of things i’ve always wanted to gain control of. but i guess it’s just not going to be weight loss.
it’s time to lay the negativity and worry to rest. i cannot, and will not focus on weight loss anymore. it’s like having a crush on a guy who doesn’t even know you exist! TOXIC!
no, it’s time to focus on all the other good stuff that is in my life. my gorgeous hub, my career, this blog (which brings me so much joy), all the good cooking that’s happening in my kitchen! and, the lovely life i have here in kansas city.