yoga fears.

i’ve been working hard these last few weeks to add distance to my running, and i’ve managed to run two 5Ks and a couple 2-mile stents this week!  my goal is to run every other day, and run longer (5Ks or more), and do yoga on the off days.

but here’s my issue.  i am genuinely afraid to go try a new yoga place.  i have no idea why.  fear of the unknown?  memories of past yoga experiences?  shyness?  believe it or not, i am shy.  it’s hard for me to muster up the courage to walk into a place where everyone is already a practicing yogi, and i’ve been away from it for so long.  and what if they start doing head stands or something crazy and i just have to sit on my mat?

one time i went to a yoga class and everyone was considerably older than i was.  this was in my 20’s.  i was really limber.  i was practicing in the back row and the instructor spotted me doing really well at all the poses (or better than the others).  she had me come up to the front and practice with her, so that everyone could learn from me.  one of the women got angry and left!  this was my FIRST EVER yoga class.  very uncomfortable.

and then there were the bikram years.  i practiced bikram yoga for several years.  it’s very intense, very quiet, and very hot.  i actually really loved it, but the instructors will tell you to put your water down if you drink at a weird time.  and the last time i went to one of those, the instructor was kinda hard on me.

i sound like SUCH A WUSS!  i can be told how to sing because that’s my job.  but it’s really hard to be told you’re doing yoga wrong, when it’s a miracle you even made time for it in the first place!!!

finally, my last and deepest fear ~ WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR????


i did it!  and it was sublime.  i think i know why it was so difficult for me to go.  most times, the social experience before and after the class is very awkward.  sometimes it’s awkward even during the class.  i guess people are there to selfishly take their yoga class, and they don’t really care if they welcome you into the space or not.  like, it’s not their job, or something.  but in every single situation in my life, i take it upon myself to make it my job, to make everyone around me feel comfortable, included, noticed.  i’m not tooting my own horn ~ my behavior is usually met with confusion.  i move my mat to make room for someone, i smile at them and gesture that there’s room for them, and they glare at me with wary eyes.  two instructors are talking and i have to interrupt them to ask them where to go for the class.  they seem confused as to why i’m even there.  it’s all very strange to me.

but it’s ALL worth it, for the beauty of an hour of total restoration.  in the end, it IS just for me.  and i should be selfish.  i’ll never stop being thoughtful, but i’m really going to focus inward the next time i go.

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