UGH.

i am having a really tough month.  well actually, october was tough.  it’s november now, isn’t it.  i’ve always had bouts of depression since i was little.  did you know that depression and gut issues go hand in hand?  cure one, possibly cure the other?  well i’ve had both my entire life, so there you go.  and also, i’m the artist type who doesn’t believe in stuffing those negative emotions way down and moving on with my schedule.  wish i could, but that’s not how i’m built.

i think it’s safe to say that this is a difficult period in my life that is not going to be cured by a shopping spree at Ikea, or homemade chocolate croissants.  or a green juice, for that matter.

for a while, i was blaming it on every facet of my life that could need changing or at least tweaking ~ my marriage could use a refresher course (who’s doesn’t) ~ my singing career is feeling a bit stale and needs some attention ~ i stopped running ~ i can’t believe i stopped running ~ i’m so sad about that.  and, i’ve fallen off the health wagon completely. eating sweets and gluten and foods i just can’t digest.

i’ve gone round and round about how to deal with weight-gain, fatigue, and just a general lack of desire in all things that don’t involve a glass of red wine and a good book.

this last week hit me hard.  for many reasons.  but here it is, saturday morning, and i have to do something about it.  i have to either stop the “must-do’s” whirling around in my head, or i need to achieve them.

STUPID MUST-DO’S WHIRLING AROUND IN MY HEAD

(and listen, i’m not proud of this list.  i should be thinking of the starving children in ethiopia, but i’m not.)

“lose 10 pounds ~ you can’t even lose 1 pound, no matter what you do.”

“get back to running. why on earth did you stop?”

“you paid for that yoga class ~ why aren’t you going?”

“wouldn’t a juice cleanse clear your mind and help you reset?”

“you should be more productive than you are ~ you have so much you want to accomplish.”

“why is this american lifestyle so exhausting!  let’s all move to tuscany!”

i’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to be healthier, happier, thinner, less stressed, more successful. and NONE OF IT IS WORKING.

does this sound like you?

so where do we go from here?  do we stay the course?  do we keep tracking weight watcher points and brave the boring gym (where all creativity goes to die), and still continue to see no results?  but i’m healthy, right?  wasn’t that the goal?  NO!  the goal was to look good in a tank top!

this funk has me temporarily out of the kitchen, sadly.  i mean, i’m cooking, but you don’t need to hear about my sad meals consisting of brussels sprouts drowning in frank’s hot sauce.  but when i get over this hump, i’ll be sure to post some clean, delicious food.  in the meantime, if you don’t mind, i would like to use this forum as a sounding board for my confused state.

does anyone out there relate with me, or am i talking jibbrish?  surely other americans feel this same constant pressure coming at us from every angle.  i don’t know how to navigate around it.

thank you for listening.

 

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4 responses to “UGH.

  1. and especially with the holidays coming, it’s so hard in our world to not be “perfect” – that was mentioned in my WW meeting this morning. Sometimes we have to let go of being the “perfect host”, the “perfect meal” the . . . well you get it. Perfection isn’t attainable, I am who I am, so I will get up each day and do my best. Every day is a new start.

  2. We had a discussion this morning at my WW meeting: we need to stop worrying about being “perfect”. We aren’t ever going to be the perfect hostess, the perfect fitness guru, the perfect “happy person”, the perfect WW, and on and on. We have to just live one day at a time, and if this isn’t a good day, make the next one the best that we can. They won’t all be perfect, and they won’t be all good. This society and the media, catalogs, etc., make us think that perfection is attainable, but when I go try on those Chico’s clothes, they don’t come close to looking like the models . . . oh, well. I’ll just be the best “me” I can be.

  3. Don’t try to tackle or address every issue start with just one maybe Irs tracking points for one day and work on being consistent or maybe it’s the gym daily or yoga class. Just start one thing.
    In the mean time get out and walk outside don’t have to eat ! Drink coffee or hot tea
    Enjoy the days of sunshine

  4. I have been in the same boat many times. Sometimes just a walk in the sunshine or even a nap helps me. For me, I know when I eat better I feel better, just like you, but when I get in a funk I tend to stay there. It takes a minor breakthrough of something to help me, too. Want to come over, have a glass of wine, and snuggle with my puppy? Love you!

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